Running Saved Me from Myself

Breaking down in front of your therapist and your wife at the same time is a powerful feeling. It hurts, but it frees you to finally clear all the built-up garbage swirling around inside of you. You get to wipe the slate clean. What you don’t know is how you will work through it.  What would the journey from addiction to recovery and eventually running look like? I didn’t know but I was willing to do the work to find out.

When Everything Falls Apart

For me, my life was falling apart. I was at my highest weight ever. My marriage was disintegrating rapidly. So much to work through, and when my therapist asked about my troubled eating habits, I started laughing uncontrollably.

“It may look like this is funny, but this hurts,” I said between my panicked giggles.

The Hidden Struggles Beneath Success

Not even a year before, my life seemed great. I had just finished my first half marathon, I had dropped nearly 30 pounds, in the best shape I had been in years. My career was taking off in the tech industry and was in the most comfortable financial situation of my life. I had a growing family, a young daughter and just finding out we were having a second one on the way.

Underneath, though, I was hiding secrets from myself and the world. I was engaging in addictive behavior, succumbing to years of trauma, lying to my spouse. It was eating away at me from the inside out. It eventually came to a head, though not overnight. As it slowly built, my ability to run got hampered by my ever-growing waistline. Injuries piled up, and so did the pounds – gaining nearly 45 pounds within a few months. Then, it came crashing down – emotional backlash, discovery of my addictive behaviors, a wife who no longer was willing to allow it to happen under her roof.

The Catalyst for Change

As my life was unfurling before me, I found the crutches I was using to prop me up no longer healthy – my addiction to food, my stimulation seeking. That rush of dopamine needed to come from a place that wasn’t destructive. Something that would allow me to focus on growth, improvement and betterment of my mind and body.

I mentioned that prior to this I had run my first half-marathon, an achievement that younger-me would never have thought possible. I was never an athletic person, and my yo-yoing weight made it hard for me to stay consistent with any workout regiment of any kind.

Rediscovering Running: From Couch to Half Marathon

But somehow, I had just been bitten by the running bug. Working my way from couch, to 5K, to 10K to half marathon. I was intrigued by even longer distances. I loved the rush, the freedom that came with being out on the road or trail. It was not a moment too soon, it’s almost as if my body and soul knew it was going to need something to pull it through the difficulties ahead. I had even started finding myself reading books like “Born to Run,” and daydreaming about longer, more intimidating distances.

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Facing the Weight: Health and Food Addiction

But first, I had to fix one key thing. My health was deteriorating. I leaned heavily into food, and was now pushing my highest weight ever. I was eating excessively at the drive thru and corner stores. Trying to fill a bottomless hole of brokenness with fast food and candy. It was perilous. I was trying to kill myself with food. Running at the weight I was at, was going to harm me. I started working with a recovery group on food. I implemented boundaries with myself and with food I had never utilized before.

Rebuilding Step by Step: The Running Journey

Once I dropped my first 10 pounds, I celebrated. Not with a cake or cookie, this time. Instead, lacing up my shoes and going for a run. I couldn’t make it to the end of the street without stopping. My shins were killing me, wheezing heavily, feeling itchy all over my body, and, despite it being near freezing out – I looked like I had jumped in a pool, pouring with sweat.

That feeling elated me though. I could do this, I just needed to build. Slowly, the work turned from shedding weight, to seeing how far I could go. The food turned from normalizing my weight, to fueling my performance. The transformation shifted within a few months.

More Than Weight Loss: A Mental Transformation

What was gained from this? An outlet I could use to push myself – to give my mind and body a place to rest itself, even though it was doing something many would consider difficult. It was nowhere near as difficult as the mental and emotional anguish of addiction recovery. It was a reprieve, a way for me to quiet my mind.

I was able to take space and process my life up to this point: the pain suffered as a child, feeling neglected by peers and never feeling right in my own body or mind, all the way to really terrifying decisions I made as an adult as my addictions pulled me dangerous behavior that could have sent me to jail or even cost me my life. The shame I felt my whole life, and the forgiveness I needed to make to myself as well as those I held resentments towards, were all things I could ponder while running in the woods.

Unexpected Achievements: From Recovery to Racing

What I didn’t expect, though, was finding an outlet that I could exceed in. My hyperfocus, obsessive nature, which made me ripe for a life of addiction, allowed me to become a very solid runner. In fact, the first trail race I ran after getting into recovery, a small, local 5K, I ended up placing 1st overall (thanks to the fastest runner missing a turn somewhere way ahead of me). That progression and desire to go deeper then led me to other more challenging goals – 10Ks, 20Ks, 30Ks, 50Ks, and even a 100K race, a few podium finishes, a few PRs all being hit within there.

Ongoing Challenges: Addiction, Self-Doubt, and Resilience

There are still challenges. Many recovering from addiction will tell you that they are never “recovered” and are always “six feet from the ditch.” Many of my troubling traits can rear their ugly head – negative self-talk, comparison to others, withdrawing. Some of these can be triggered by running in races or watching influencers on social media. Running, however, has given me a way to process all of my feelings, recognize reality and give me the time needed to identify how I am showing up in the world.

Paying It Forward: Helping Others Through Running

In true 12-step form, running is also giving me a way to help others. Through social media content creation, coaching, volunteering, crewing, pacing – there’s a way to carry the light out into the world. To help others, and get outside of myself. Hopefully, to help change the world and the people within it for the better. Recovery from addiction is a journey, just like running. We take one step at a time and follow the path in front of us. There is a path to transformation and we just need to start.

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